Becoming Firefighting Bounty Hunters: An Open Letter to Employers

I might be losing every opportunity to ever get a job again, but this one is for you– all my unemployed and frustrated college grads. First off, I want to tell you there is nothing wrong with expecting better job opportunities based on your credentials as a college graduate. We put in the work for four years– yes, it’s one of those “first world problem” complaints but we didn’t put ourselves through four years of lectures and papers for shits and giggles. We did it to secure our future and to have jobs. We’re now told that we should swallow our pride and work in retail as sales reps or wait tables with  no benefits, which some are actually doing but are absolutely miserable because they have to associate with annoying high school children.

We are quite desperate at this point, hence my haste solution to become a Firefighting Bounty Hunter. Sureeee, it’s dangerous but I’ve always wanted to be a firefighter and after watching “One for the Money” (yes, I will watch anything with Katherine Heigl in it), I thought, why not add on Bounty Hunter. That’s TWO jobs! Ok, I understand that this sounds ridiculous but in the seven months since graduation, my friends and I have come up with every made up job you could get without a college degree. Seriously– karaoke host, ice cream truck man/woman, ambulance driver, typewriter, the wife of a mob, Leonardo Di Caprio’s comb… we got pretty creative.

An accurate depiction

I don’t think we’re wrong for wondering if employers actually ever read our cover letters and resumes that we spend all day writing and editing to perfection. Or if we’re just way in over our heads. I’ve given up on looking for positions that match my skills and career goals and started applying for receptionist jobs. But still, no reply. No interview. No job. There’s always an excuse. Jobs seeking receptionists will say they didn’t hire me because I’m “overqualified” and they’re afraid I’ll leave once I get a better job. Fuck, I will! And then other jobs will seek people with five or more years of experience. Shit, I just got outta school. All I have are my jobs as a student worker and internship experience. How do employers expect you to have experience, if you can’t start any fricken where? But then don’t complain about people living on food stamps and welfare and eating up your tax dollars. Let me get one thing straight, NOBODY wants to live on welfare. People HAVE pride but shit happens in the place of jobs.  No matter what that turd face Bill O’ Reilly and his friends at Fox News will tell you, it’s not an ideal situation. It’s not anyone’s desire to live in this country and be useless. If that were truly the case, explain to me why there are people working over 40 hours a week still living on food stamps? I’ll leave this rant about corporate greed for another post.

Bring it back, Zubi. I’m calm.

We can’t just blame the economy because I know there are jobs out there that my friends and I are qualified for but just have no luck. Sometimes we never here back about our applications and other times, we just receive these painstaking emails:

We wanted to follow up with you on the status of your applicationfor the position of Blah Blah Blah; requisition #Blah.  While we were impressed with your qualifications, we have decided to

pursue other candidates who appear to be a  closer match for the position.

Don’t even get me started on the horror stories we hear about human resources departments nowadays. One of my friends revealed that a certain place gets such high volumes of resumes and cover letters that they just pick out a few from a stack, tack them up on a bulletin board, and throw darts to see which prospective job seeker they will call. REALLY? You mean to tell me I’ve been working this hard for nothing? So, the “other candidates who appear to be a  closer match for the position” just got lucky off a bulls eye? THERE ARE NO WORDS TO DESCRIBE MY FRUSTRATION!

But this rageface comes close enough

I don’t want to come off as a whiney, job mongering, asshole, because in the end, I understand that it’s a lot of work and A LOT of resumes to weed through, pero what more can we do?? I’m asking as a serious question. We have bills and loans to pay, families to feed, futures to build. We are more and more disheartened once we get a call from a company for an interview the next day, then research it to find out that it’s a scam. We can’t work for scams! I might as well actually be a bounty hunter! It sounds like more fun too. Gosh.

I’m not gonna leave this post on a bitter note.

Just know that if you are in the same predicament as me and my friends, there’s always hope. I’m sure you’re a talented, amicable, hardworking individual that any work place will be lucky to have. But no matter what the circumstances, do not settle. Make sure what you’re doing makes you happy and is serving a higher purpose. Go get ‘em tiger!

Your local firefighting bounty hunter,

Zubi